Eulogy of Mimi Toews, friend

Paraphrasing Rabbi Solomon Freehof: “Carole will remain as a light in our hearts. By love she is remembered and in memory she lives.”

In 1975, by a small miracle of serendipity, I found myself in a literature class at SF State University called “The American Jewish Writer.” It was the first class of my graduate studies and I was nervous. Fortunately, a young woman sat down next to me and her warmth and quick wit instantly put me at ease. Even in that brief interaction, Carole's kindness was evident. Soon, Carole & I were carpooling to class every week, and we talked our way through novels and stories by Bellow, Malamud, Ozick, Roth, Heller -- the greats of American-Jewish literature.

These novelists & others became Carole's mentors during the graduate years, when she was also writing the life story of her grandfather, David Toback -- recounting not only her own family history, but also bringing to life a turbulent era of Jewish emigration to America. In her portrayal of David Toback, Carole created an "Everyman." And with the 1981 publication of "The Journeys of David Toback," her unique voice and vision became part of the American-Jewish lexicon.

Some critics realized that Carole had written a classic. In his 1981 New York Times book review, Theodore Solotaroff wrote the following heartfelt tribute to her achievement:

"A man of ready talents and sorrows and faith, David Toback sticks in the mind as a representative figure of his generation who deepens our consciousness of it... [he was] one of the multitude of little Josephs who went ahead to bring their families out of the bondage of Eastern Europe and, as the Holocaust was to prove, to secure the survival of the Jewish people in a new land... [He found] religious meaning in his journeys...   His faith is both in his willingness to be of use in the world and to serve Jewish virtue, come what may...."

In 1975 it was unusual for a university to offer a class devoted to Jewish writers, and we were also fortunate in our instructor, Dr. Irving Halperin, a pioneer scholar of Holocaust literature. Dr. Halperin believed that every American-Jewish novelist asks the same basic question: “How does a good man live?"

Despite his tiny lapse of political correctness, Dr Halperin's question becomes a touchstone from which to remember some things I cherished about Carole.

(1) Her simplicity:

Afternoon visits with Carole would invariably start with tea and end with a walk. Tea-making was an "event" at Carole's house -- there was none of this throwing a tea bag in a mug & nuking it in the microwave. She would steep it for just the right amount of time in her favorite tea pot, which she covered with the same tea-cozy (the one with strawberries on it), and by the time she served the biscuits & fruit & poured the tea, one felt transported to a calm, serene place where the visit could start in earnest.

Tea & conversation was usually followed by a vigorous walk in the Berkeley hills -- a walk that I always thought of as Carole's treasure trove. Walks took us along routes that she mapped out --- through little-used staircases & paths that criss-crossed between major streets, past crazy sculptures in people's front yards, past the Carmelite convent nestled in an alleyway, and on to beautiful gardens large & small.

I recall that a change came to the Malkin household after Carole & Dick saw the film, "Babette’s Feast." In keeping w/the film's theme of joyful transformation, of achieving communal peace & spiritual enlightenment through culinary means, it ushered in an era of frequent dinner parties & brunches, of gardening and bread-making, of delicious casseroles, soups & greens, lovingly made. Mycology field trips were undertaken just about the time Dick also began making fall & winter forays into Tilden Park to gather chanterelles, mushrooms that grow among poison oak! When you arrived for brunch at the Malkin's, you could always tell if chanterelles were on the menu by looking to see whether Dick's arms were splotched w/calamine lotion. Those were the days when a good mushroom trumped an itchy rash!

When it came time for Carole to decide whether to leave her "home" in Berkeley & establish a new home in Colorado, she did so, it seems, without hesitation. As she told me at the time, "Where Dick is, that is home for me."

(2) Her generosity:

During the 1980s after my marriage fell apart, and I was at my most vulnerable, Carole was a constant friend, offering words of solace, baking me her special apple or loquat bread, introducing me to Eva Cassidy's music, encouraging me through yet another graduate program, & even providing dating tips -- good ones, too!

And many years later, when my former husband, Rolly, was diagnosed with cancer, Carole baked him loaves of her special apple or loquat bread, and offered words of solace and hope.

(3) Her courage:

And who better to offer words of hope than Carole, who faced down loss and death over & over again. Where did she get the courage and the strength?  Perhaps it came from her capacity (in Mary Oliver's words) to "love what is mortal" -- her ability to embrace life fully and grieve when it ends. And true to form, despite her fragile health, Carole was glad to see us when Chris & I visited in August, She was engaged, serene, interested In our lives --and everyone's lives.

Last spring, Carole and I exchanged words of gratitude and appreciation. Here is part of what I wrote to her:

I remember when I was writing my Master's thesis – in my dedication to you, I said I was so grateful that you were "endlessly interested...." I guess that is one of the "glues" holding us together all these years – our interest in each other's lives and work – which are so often one-in-the-same. ‘Kind, generous, loyal, smart, funny, honest, and forgiving...’ those, and many more, are the qualities that I value & love in you. I am so grateful that I've been able to share this life with you.